“Why did you quit your job?” Abby stopped. On the outside, she was a successful attorney with an enviable marriage. On the inside, perfectionism, depression, and alcohol use quietly crippled her life. After an affair with a coworker, Abby lost her job. Her husband left, demanding she get some help before he’d consider reconciliation. In addition to coming to see me for therapy, Abby returned to her former church and joined a women’s Bible study where she met the group leader–

How to Be Authentic Without Feeling Exposed "Be Real!" "Live Authentically!" "Confess your sins!" "Share your burdens!" If you’ve ever been deeply hurt by judgmental, manipulative, or demanding people, sharing your authentic self can feel unsafe. You wonder whether someone is trustworthy, or whether they’ll use your vulnerability against you. You may feel compelled to answer every question honestly and directly, even when you don’t want to. "Why did you do that?" "Wha

Don't like to read? Watch the video here! Empathy and compassion require more energy than giving advice. They require us to slow down, to avoid our compulsion to fix, and to sit in the discomfort of someone's pain. Many of us find it difficult to offer empathy and compassion toward others. In order to do so, we have to surrender to things we cannot control, to consideration of another person's perspective, and to a process that might take longer than we have scheduled on

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being pushed out of my comfort zone. I like the familiarity of my routine, my space, and my time. When one of those is disrupted, I feel unsettled. When all of them are disrupted, I feel completely overwhelmed. My instinct is to withdraw, to hide, and to scramble for some sense of normalcy (and my favorite dark chocolate). Lately, that’s been the case. There’s a lot happening across several areas of life and it feels like I’m being pus

You have the right to remain silent. You have the right not to answer a question if it demands an answer too personal or unnecessary for the situation. You have the right to speak. It might not change the other person, but sometimes things need to be said. If someone hurts you, you have the right to tell them, “That was rude," or "That was unnecessary." Speak up when someone is hurtful, even if it's simply to be honest. You have the right to change your mind. We would neve

Sometimes a person comes to me with a problem, but then we end up going in circles. I try and try to help, but over and over they push back. Why does this happen? Why can't they accept what I have to offer? My compulsion to fix the problem blinds me from seeing the person sitting in front of me, looking at me, desperate for connection. My compulsion to fix the problem causes them to react with hurt rather than gratitude, which confuses me and causes my own defensiveness. But

“If I have anxiety, doesn’t it mean I don’t have enough faith?” It always breaks my heart to hear this question. I’ve heard it in other forms, such as: “Does my doubt mean I don’t trust God?” “How can I be a Christian and struggle with anxiety?” “Is anxiety a sin?” Look closely, and you’ll see that each one of these questions comes from shame. Shame about anxiety. Shame about fear. Shame about doubt. Shame Traps Us Shame about emotions is one of Satan’s greatest tools in ke

The Great Dark settled onto the Pacific Northwest in mid-November, permitting the reprieve of sunlight for what seems like only a few hours each day. I'm being dramatic, but having spent so many years in the southwest it's a bit unnerving to step outside my office at 5pm and remember that I missed the day's allowance of sun. The bright streetlights illuminating the cars only accentuate the darkness beyond their reach. On these evenings, I drive home and strap on an LED lighte