The Drawers of Trust (levels of trust, part II)

“Why did you quit your job?”

Abby stopped. On the outside, she was a successful attorney with an enviable marriage.

On the inside, perfectionism, depression, and alcohol use quietly crippled her life. After an affair with a coworker, Abby lost her job. Her husband left, demanding she get some help before he’d consider reconciliation.

In addition to coming to see me for therapy, Abby returned to her former church and joined a women’s Bible study where she met the group leader–Susie. Susie asked what Abby did for work and Abby told her that she recently left her job. Susie then asked the question Abby knew was coming but couldn’t stop:

“Why did you quit your job?”

Abby didn’t know how to answer this simple question that inadvertently pierced such sensitive areas of her story. She felt pulled between honesty and safety.

But navigating conversations with authenticity doesn’t require full transparency, and healthy vulnerability doesn’t mean sacrificing safety or honesty. 

We can see from Jesus’s interactions with others that he didn’t tell everything to everyone. 

Instead, healthy vulnerability means giving the right information to the right person at the right time. 

What Abby learned in therapy was that she did not have to give the full story to someone who had not yet earned her trust. So, Abby and I worked on things she could say that were still honest and yet also protective. We did this by identifying her levels of trust.

The Levels

Imagine a filing cabinet that holds every part of your story in three drawers. The lower the drawer, the more sensitive the information it holds, with the lowest drawer holding your most personal details.

Your closest friends and/or family–those who have earned your deepest trust–have access to the lowest drawer. These are your Level Three people.

Drawer number two is for growing or casual friendships–your Level Two people. The top drawer is for people who you might have occasional contact with, such as coworkers, people at church, or friendly neighbors. These are your Level One people.

Everyone else is denied access to the drawers. They see the plant you’ve set atop the filing cabinet, such as your social media profile picture and a casual wave as you pass by. They only know what you choose to display publicly. They are your Level Zero people.

Notice that people can move between levels. If someone at Level Two gains your trust as you get to know them, you might reveal something vulnerable and see how they handle it, which gives them the opportunity to earn their way into Level Three. Do they respond with compassion when you confess something? Do they offer information at the same depth?

Conversely, someone at Level Two might break your trust, causing you to push them back into Level One (or above the surface into Level Zero, if they were especially harmful). 

Abby’s Answers

Abby’s situation involved a handful of new relationships that didn’t have the time yet to develop real trust. She knew more people would ask about her life, perhaps wondering why she started attending Bible study or if she was married–all seemingly innocent questions from people who didn’t know the pain of her story. We helped her come up with some answers based on who the person was that asked the question and how much trust they had earned with Abby.

Level Three–Full transparency

Abby had already given a Level Three answer to her best friend before she came to see me: “I’ve been drinking and I had an affair, and now I’ve lost my job. I need some help!” Her friend helped her seek both addiction counseling and individual therapy, thus landing her in my office. Most people don’t need help with Level Three answers because this is the answer they assume they are supposed to give.

Level Two–Selective Content

Abby was close with her uncle and recognized that he had Level Two access. She told him, “I’m struggling with some life stuff, and it impacted my work.” To another Level Two person, she said, “I’m having some personal problems and it was time for me to leave.”

Level One–General Content

Abby didn’t have enough history with her new Bible study leader to know if she was trustworthy (she certainly hoped so!), so she gave her Level One access. “I’m dealing with some things and need to focus on some healing right now.” She also chose, “I have some personal stuff that needs to be addressed” for others in the group who might ask similar questions. Abby knew that they might eventually earn her deeper trust, but for now, she needed to stick with the answer that fit their position in her life.

Level Zero–Public Information

We both laughed when she picked her Level Zero answer: “Sometimes things just don’t work out.” That was certainly true!

All of the above statements are true. 

Only those answers at Level Three involve full transparency.

Next Steps

Sometimes answers need to be repeated if the person asking is especially pushy. It’s not rude to repeat yourself–on the contrary, it is rude for someone to keep asking personal questions when they haven't earned that access.

Abby learned that honesty doesn’t require full disclosure to anyone who asks. Instead, healthy vulnerability carefully stewards your story, giving people access as they earn your trust.

Stay tuned for next month’s newsletter, where we’ll work through a great tool to help assess your own people and your drawers of trust.