Healthy Village People

"Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. Let him who is not in community beware of being alone." –Dietrich Bonhoeffer

We’re all dependent upon other human beings for our well-being. We need physical and emotional support throughout life, and our brains and bodies are designed to thrive in relationships. When we struggle, we need others to step in and help.

But can we rely on others too much?

Habitually relying on others as the only way to regulate your nervous system is the foundation of codependency. It requires others or circumstances to improve before you can feel better. Instead of taking responsibility for your own emotions–your “daily load” (Gal 6:5), codependency relies on others to care for things that are yours to carry.

Codependency says, “You are responsible for my emotions.”

Can we rely on others too little?

The tendency to rely on others too little can be called over-independent. 

Yes, my fellow Westerners, it is possible to be too independent!

This extreme of independence pushes others away in an attempt to avoid getting hurt. It ignores Biblical admonitions to “bear each other’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2), to sharpen one another (Prov. 27:17), and to "spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together...encouraging one another" (Heb. 10:24-25).

All things we cannot do on our own.

Over-independence says, “I don’t need anyone else.”

Healthy Village People

Healthy relationships live in the space between codependency and over-independence. We are neither meant to carry burdens alone nor expect others to pick up our daily tasks. 

When we have a foundation of healthy relationships, we are able to say:

I need God and he created me to need people.

I need others to encourage me and to tell me when I’m wrong.

I can regulate my own nervous system when others are not regulated (because I have others in my life that are regulated that I can turn to). 

My emotions and reactions are my responsibility--and yours are yours.

I know when to stay and when to walk away…and when to come back.

I can feel calm both alone and in the presence of others.

When your nervous system is upset, mine is upset too, but I’m able to bring mine back to calm even if you cannot.

Build your village.

Start with one person who is emotionally safe. Take time to build trust. Add more people to the process.

Attend therapy to learn some helpful relationship skills that are tailored to you. You can also learn how to take responsibility for your own emotions and reactions.

Contribute. Be there for others.

Rely. Allow others to be there for you.

Healthy village people balance giving and receiving.

Be a good village member.