You have the right to remain silent

You have the right to remain silent.

You have the right not to answer a question if it demands an answer too personal or unnecessary for the situation.

You have the right to speak. 

It might not change the other person, but sometimes things need to be said. If someone hurts you, you have the right to tell them, “That was rude," or "That was unnecessary." Speak up when someone is hurtful, even if it's simply to be honest.

You have the right to change your mind. 

We would never grow if we didn’t change our minds. Imagine if we still had the same opinions about life that we did at age 13, or age 8, or age 5! Changing our minds is vital to emotional, spiritual and intellectual growth. We need the freedom to explore, to get things wrong, and to move in new directions.

You have the right to walk away.

Jesus walked away from unnecessary comments and questions. One example of this comes from the Mark 8:11-13:

The Pharisees came and began to question Jesus. To test him, they asked him for a sign from heaven. He sighed deeply and said, “Why does this generation ask for a sign? Truly I tell you, no sign will be given to it.” Then he left them, got back into the boat and crossed to the other side. (New International Version)

Sometimes, the appropriate answer is no answer at all.

You have the right to come back.

Sometimes we need space. Sometimes they need a little space. Most relationships are worth saving. Very rarely does a relationship need to be dropped entirely. After a rupture, do the hard work of returning to the person with the intent of repairing the rupture. Seek wise counsel if you need help repairing relationships.

You have these rights--but framing them as “rights” can harden us. Instead, let’s frame them as options. This reminds us that even when we have the right, we can choose whether or not to use that right.

You have options.

You have the option to remain silent.

You have the option to speak.

To change your mind.

To walk away.

To come back.

Learn who to trust and slowly allow them into your space. Find someone with the potential for friendship, and offer a small, slightly vulnerable piece of yourself. Watch how they handle this. Do they reciprocate with similar vulnerability?

Take some time with this process, moving back and forth at the same depth. If they prove to be trustworthy and you want to deepen the friendship, offer something a little more vulnerable. Repeat the process of watching how they handle it and giving them space to reciprocate.

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces." (Matthew 7:6, NIV)

Your vulnerable truths are your pearls. Handle their pearls with just as much care as you want them to handle yours. And remember:

They have options too.

They have the option to remain silent.

They have the option to speak.

To change their mind.

To walk away.

To come back.

Healthy relationship advice doesn't promote narcissism or ghosting. It teaches the full picture of autonomy-- that all people are created in the image of God. And while we should set boundaries with those who don't naturally respect them, we also loosen boundaries in relationships that have the potential to grow. 

To learn more about when to speak, what to say, and how to say it, check out Week 7 in Jesus for the Anxious.