Levels of Trust - Part 1

 How to Be Authentic Without Feeling Exposed

"Be Real!"

"Live Authentically!"

"Confess your sins!"

"Share your burdens!"

If you’ve ever been deeply hurt by judgmental, manipulative, or demanding people, sharing your authentic self can feel unsafe. You wonder whether someone is trustworthy, or whether they’ll use your vulnerability against you.

You may feel compelled to answer every question honestly and directly, even when you don’t want to.

• "Why did you do that?"

• "What were you thinking?"

  
  

Both secular and Christian environments encourage authenticity, but if you’ve experienced harmful relationships, authenticity feels scary.

I have one friend who hates any form of speaking up in public settings, saying it makes her want to throw up. Her history of being judged unfairly by others causes her to avoid sharing about herself. And when she does find the courage to speak, she immediately questions herself. 

She calls it a vulnerability hangover. 

Some questions are quite direct, feeling like there are no ways around them:

• "Are you depressed?"

• "Why are you always so anxious?"

• "Why would you choose ketchup over mustard?"

  
  

For some of us, even harmless questions trigger a stress response. We feel compelled to explain ourselves even when no explanation is owed.

And some people don’t let you walk away. They push, pry, accuse and demean until giving in feels easier than pushing back. Under pressure, we overshare--giving more than we intended and wishing we could take it back.

So what should we do?

Instead of jumping in too quickly or holding back entirely, we can learn ways to practice a healthy balance of vulnerability and privacy. 

People who earn our trust gain access to parts of us that others do not. 

Intimacy and trust are earned privileges, not assumed rights.

Is this selective?

Yes.

Health vulnerability isn't about secrecy or dishonesty, it's about wisdom.

Is this biblical?

Yes.

Even Jesus had an inner circle, and not everyone was in his inner circle.

His deepest intimacy was with the Father, and his deepest human layer of trust included Peter, James, and John, three of his earliest disciples. Beyond them were the rest of the twelve apostles. This was Jesus’s inner circle. Outside of this crew, Jesus trusted 72 disciples to minister on his behalf and he had thousands of followers. Jesus generally kept the Pharisees and teachers of the law at a distance due to their hardened hearts.

Jesus didn’t change, but he did limit access based on trust. He was always fully authentic, even when he set boundaries.

Why is all of this important?

Because watching how Jesus interacts with his community gives us hints at how we can engage with our own community. 

We don't have to choose between vulnerability and hiding. Healthy relationships are built one layer of trust at a time.

Stay tuned for next month’s post about healthy vulnerability, unhealthy vulnerability, and how to manage your relationships in real and practical ways. Before we get there, let's consider some ways we've been challenged to be vulnerable when we weren't comfortable doing so:

What kinds of questions do you find too personal to answer? (feel free to post anonymously)