The Person Behind the Problem

Sometimes a person comes to me with a problem, but then we end up going in circles. I try and try to help, but over and over they push back. Why does this happen? Why can't they accept what I have to offer?

My compulsion to fix the problem blinds me from seeing the person sitting in front of me, looking at me, desperate for connection. My compulsion to fix the problem causes them to react with hurt rather than gratitude, which confuses me and causes my own defensiveness. But the propensity to fix the problem often has unseen and unintended consequences.

If I fix the problem first, I miss seeing the person.

My struggle to "mourn with those who mourn” and “rejoice with those who rejoice" comes from my own lack of self-awareness, lack of others awareness, and lack of ability to see people through God's eyes (as opposed to my unyielding lens). It comes from my compulsion to control the things around me, the circumstances around me, and the people around me.

And in trying to control all of this, I inadvertently push people away.

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Instead, I need to start with myself:

I need to start with my anxiety that arises when circumstances are uncomfortable. I need to ask God to reveal the things beneath the surface of my anxiety and anger. I need to recognize that what Jesus wants to give me most is his presence, more than his demands. And what he wants most from me is relationship, not behavior modification. When I allow him into these inner spaces, he affirms my worth through his words rather than what I do. This healing reduces my anxiety and anger and washes away my need to control things and people around me. 

Inner healing allows me to surface with new perspectives.

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And when these new perspectives loosen my grip of control, it inadvertently draws people to me.

And as I continue to let go of control and lean into God-awareness and self-awareness, it leads to others-awareness. And I see them through God’s eyes and I mourn when they mourn and I rejoice when they rejoice. Instead of fixing the problem, I sit with them in the problem, connecting with them, seeing them.

When I see the person instead of the problem,

they stay long after the problem is solved.

My compulsion to fix fades to compassion. And over time, some problems are fixed, some are not, but I’m still in a relationship with the people God put in my path.

Because what’s the point in fixing things if you’re all alone when you’re done?

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Struggling to see the person in front of you? Try these helpful tips:

When someone is talking about their problems, seek to understand what they are really saying. Reflect back what you are hearing, without your own thoughts. Ask them how they feel about it without telling them how you feel about it.

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Want more? I discuss the connections between self-awareness, God-awareness, and others-awareness in Part II of my book, Jesus for the Anxious. Preorder now!