What not to say (and what to say instead)
- Apr 30
- 2 min read
Updated: May 1
Empathy and compassion require more energy than giving advice.
They require us to slow down, to avoid our compulsion to fix, and to sit in the discomfort of someone's pain.
Many of us find it difficult to offer empathy and compassion toward others. In order to do so, we have to surrender to things we cannot control, to consideration of another person's perspective, and to a process that might take longer than we have scheduled on our calendars.
And when we lack compassion, we often give emotional advice that leans towards platitudes and dismissive comments. We claim, "I don't sugarcoat things" and "I'm just being honest" and "I don't want to validate bad behavior"—but these all misunderstand empathy and compassion.
True empathy isn't agreeing with someone's position; it's acknowledging that their emotions are real even if you disagree with why they feel that way.
True compassion isn't sugarcoating circumstances; it's acknowledging that life is difficult.
Empathetic and compassionate responses calm the listener's nervous system, which in turn increases their ability to process and make better decisions.
When faced with another person's negative circumstances and emotions, let's try something different: Pause, take a deep breath, and listen. Let's reflect back their emotion and the content around their emotions, showing them that we see their pain.
Because there is something deeply and spiritually powerful about someone else seeing and acknowledging our pain. And eventually, when we feel seen and heard, our spirit settles into a peace that propels us to make healthy changes in our lives.
As one of my former supervisors used to say, "people don't change until they feel accepted exactly where they are."
Here are some suggestions for changing dismissiveness into compassion while speaking with someone who is struggling with anxiety:
Just stop worrying —> I’m sorry things are so difficult right now
You need to pray more —> I’m sure you’ve prayed a lot over this, I’ll join you
Just take a breath —> Would it be helpful for me to breathe with you?
There's nothing to be anxious about —> I bet you wish it could just go away. Would you like me to sit with you?
Anxiety is a sin —> Emotions are real, and they are difficult
Why do you feel this way? —> It sounds like things are really overwhelming right now, and that’s hard. Can you tell me more?
You need more faith —> I wish faith in God took away all our earthly problems. I’m with you. It could be worse —> Let’s find some help.
What do you need? —> Let’s take some deep breaths together and talk this through.
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