Circles of Connections

Earlier this month, I promised a tool to help you assess your community. Here it is!

In the last conversation, we talked about what type of information goes in which drawer of trust. Now, we will talk about where people belong, and which drawer(s) they have access to.

Assessing your connections is an important step in learning how to give people access to your personal life. We need to first know who is in our life and how much we trust them, before we can decide which information to give to them.

As a reminder, your closest friends and/or family–those who have earned your deepest trust–have access to the lowest drawer. These are your Layer Three people who have earned your deepest trust. Layer Two people include growing relationships or casual friendships. And Layer One people are those with whom you have occasional contact, such as coworkers, people at church, or friendly neighbors. Everyone else is placed in Layer Zero.

Layers are people. Levels are Drawers.

Layer Three people get access into Level Three Drawers, and so on. In other words, the closer someone is to you relationally, the more personal information they may have access to.

Draw the following circles, filling a whole sheet of paper.

Who is in my life, and where do they fit?

Start by placing the first 10-15 people you can think of into the chart. Where does each person belong? Don't ignore people that you rarely have contact with. Put them outside the circles. Here is an example:

This client wasn’t sure where to put his new Bible study group. They were growing closer, but still at Layer One. He also wasn’t sure about his dad, with whom he had a rocky relationship. “I wish he could be closer, but I don’t trust him. He’s still using drugs and it’s just not safe. Especially around the kids.” We did some work on how to build friendships with his new Bible study, and how to set appropriate boundaries with Dad.

How full are my circles?

Next, look at how full each circle is. Are they fairly evenly populated? Do you have one circle that is crowded while the others remain sparse?

If your inner circles are empty, start by building more connections outside the circles. This usually means connecting to a group of people with a shared interest. Consider attending a Bible study, a meetup group, or volunteering.

You can’t build healthy inner circles without first having opportunities to build relationships in your outer circles. Then, slowly, you can build trust with them–and they with you–and deeper friendships can develop.

Who might move closer…or farther away?

Many people struggle with the middle circle--Layer Two people. This circle feels the most awkward because it includes relationships with uncertainty (are we going to become deeper friends?) or relationships that are struggling (they used to be Layer Three...can I trust them again?).

Notice that people can move between layers. If someone at Layer Two gains your trust as you get to know them, you might reveal something vulnerable and see how they handle it, which gives them the opportunity to earn their way into Layer Three. Do they respond with compassion when you confess something? Do they offer information at the same depth?

Conversely, someone at Layer Two might break your trust, causing you to push them back into Layer One (or above the surface into Layer Zero, if they were especially harmful).

What access should they have?

Remember, not everyone needs to move inward. The goal isn’t to get as many people into your circles as possible; it’s to consider who is already in your circles and where you want them to be. Then, you can appropriately assess what kind of access they get to your drawers of trust.

Now that you can see the full landscape of your relationships, choose one action to take this week:

●      Make more connections outside my circles. I will consider ________ group.

●      Connect with __________.  Give then access to the appropriate drawer.

●      Set appropriate boundaries with __________. Limit their access to the appropriate drawer.