Navigating the Anger of Others

While some people have difficulties managing their own anger, some struggle to navigate the emotions of others. Many of these people experience anxiety and depression. They often carry negative beliefs that they are responsible for things that happen around them and that there is something wrong with them—or that they have done something wrong—when things don’t go well. In other words, they carry the burden of making sure others don’t become angry, and fixing the other person’s anger when it inevitably arrives.

In these cases, it’s important to recognize that our attempts to fix the other person’s anger are futile, unnecessary, and unhealthy.

It is not my responsibility to fix the emotions of others. 

It is my responsibility to make sure I treat them kindly and fairly.

Kindness and Fairness: Defined by actions, not reactions

Kindness and fairness stem from our actions–not from others’ emotions. They show in our words and tone and facial expressions. Kindness and fairness are determined before the other person responds.

So, when a person is angry, the first question we ask ourselves is, “Did I do anything wrong?” Some of us instinctively assume we’ve done something wrong if the other person's reaction is negative. But would we feel the same way if their response had been different? The responses from others are informative but should not dictate the answer to this question.

An action is right or wrong before the response is ever given.

How to Handle Unjustified Anger

Anger that is unjustified is either unnecessary or too big given the situation. In these cases, we need to step back and let the person have their own anger. They may have unresolved frustrations—perhaps a bad day or a recent argument—or deeper anger they’ve carried for years. Regardless, none of these are our responsibility. If it’s a friend, ask them what’s going on. Let them know their response doesn’t seem appropriate and ask if something else is bothering them. This is a kind way of responding to someone’s unjustified anger.

How to Apologize (if needed)

If you truly did something wrong, own it and apologize. Apologize in proportion to the mistake–a big mistake needs a big apology; a small mistake needs a small apology. Only apologize for what you did wrong, not the whole picture. If you used a demeaning tone of voice but your message was appropriate, apologize for the tone of voice and repeat the message in an appropriate tone of voice. If you insulted someone in an argument that had several valid points, apologize for the insult.

Letting Go

If you didn’t do anything wrong, step back. Let them be angry. Our responsibility lies in treating others with respect—how they react is theirs alone. 

Trying to manage someone else’s anger only fuels frustration. Practice releasing their emotions from your responsibility, while checking your own emotions and actions. Returning the focus to what you do—as opposed to how they respond—puts you on a path of peace and healthier relationships.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18 (NIV) (emphasis mine)