Why Therapists Focus on Your Childhood

Everyone experiences life differently. Two people can walk into the same event and away with completely different interpretations. These interpretations–our personal “lenses”–are shaped by relational, experiential and biological factors. 

One of the most powerful influences on your lenses is your childhood.

Childhood matters

During the prenatal and early childhood periods, the brain is developing at rapid speed. The prefrontal cortex–the area responsible for rational thought and decision making–reaches its peak synapse formation around age 4.¹ By the time a child reaches 18, her prefrontal cortex only develops neurons at about half the rate as it did at age 4.

Neural pathways are developed through repeated experiences, but significantly emotional experiences only need one or two events for those pathways to be created. Because brain development happens at such rapid speed during the younger years, neuron pathways created during this time become quickly and deeply ingrained.

Why does this matter? 

Because neural pathways–largely based on experience–create a person’s belief system about themselves and others. And because these beliefs tell a person how to interpret the world around them. That means two people can have the exact same experience but walk away with very different emotions and interpretations of that experience.

It means that childhood matters.

Your Bank of Beliefs

Imagine your brain as a “Bank of Beliefs,” where each account represents a belief about yourself, others, or even God. Each life experience makes a deposit into one or more accounts, such as “I am loved,” “I am worthless,” “Others are safe,” or “Others are not safe.” There are many accounts named with many different beliefs.

The balances in Belief Accounts matter. The higher the balance, the more influence that account has on how a person navigates life. And remember, the accounts gain deposits through experience, rather than knowledge. These experiences create real synapses that encode real neuron pathways into the brain.

In addition, the more painful the experience is, the more powerful it is. One painful experience makes a much larger deposit into the negative-belief account than a positive experience puts into a positive-belief account. Most of us have experienced this, feeling the immediate pain and lasting effects from a hurtful comment, but the impact of a compliment seems to last only a moment.

By adulthood, the brain has become accustomed to accessing certain Belief Accounts and it naturally assumes things will keep moving the same way. Each experience walks into your Bank of Meaning and directly to the Belief account it is used to accessing. The experience assumes it knows which Belief accounts to use.

Oftentimes, it gets it wrong.

That means we can completely misinterpret a situation, depositing into the wrong Belief account and stirring up emotions and meaning based on the past, rather than the present. 

These Belief Accounts operate without our awareness, silently guiding our interpretations. 

Let’s look at two examples.

Sam and Timothy

When Sam came to see me for help with his anxiety, we discovered he had numerous childhood experiences of trying to navigate his mom’s anger, and he had a high balance at Sam's Bank of Beliefs in the account called "I need to fix the problems of others.”

Timothy came to see me for help with his depression. During his sessions, we uncovered numerous experiences of dismissal during his childhood, and he had a high balance at Timothy's Bank of Beliefs in the account called "I am worthless.” Although he had a few positive experiences, they weren’t enough to significantly raise the balance of his “I am loved” account.

As Sam and Timothy navigated life, they interpreted their life experiences through the lenses of their own accounts with the highest balances.

In the same week, both Sam and Timothy came to me with similar recent experiences, but very different interpretations. They had each been turned down for sex by their respective spouses. Sam became anxious, wondering if he had done something wrong and trying to figure out how to fix things with his wife. Timothy assumed his wife didn’t love him. 

Neither were correct.

After working on some communication strategies, Sam discovered his wife was struggling with a comment that a friend recently made about her body. And Timothy learned the next morning after our session that his wife was really sick with a virus.

Without realizing it, both Sam and Timothy used past childhood experiences to interpret their present experiences. 

What to do about it

Learning to interpret life experiences more accurately requires both self-awareness and healing of your past wounds. Dr. Charity Byers and Dr. John Walker call these past wounds “sore spots.” Next month, we’ll learn more about these as I dive into their book called “Unhindered.” I recently interviewed Charity, so you’ll get a sneak peek into why she wrote this book, what sore spots are, and how to overcome them.

For now, consider your Belief accounts with the highest balances. Where might you be misinterpreting life experiences? Where might you be judging situations based on the past, rather than the present?

The good news

While brain development does slow over time, it never stops while we are alive. Neuroplasticity is real! We can create new pathways and thus change how we interpret our life experiences, improving our mental health.

Next steps

If you need help, ask a trusted friend where they notice you struggling with negative beliefs. Work through the past hurts with a safe friend, small group, or therapist. Pray for healing over those past hurts and ask God to speak into the positive Belief Accounts that feel empty.

1: Stiles, Joan, and Terry L Jernigan. “The basics of brain development.” Neuropsychology review vol. 20,4 (2010): 327-48. doi:10.1007/s11065-010-9148-4