Understanding Codependency: Signs, Dynamics, and Steps Toward Healthier Relationships

Relationships contribute to our emotional well-being, but what happens when dependence overshadows autonomy? Codependency–a dynamic where both partners rely excessively on each other–can create patterns that feel impossible to break. How do you recognize it? And more importantly, what steps can you take toward healthier relationships?

Types of Codependency

In any codependent relationship, one or both partners may neglect other relationships and find it difficult to set or respect boundaries. However, many relationship dynamics depend on the role that each partner takes on.

Dependent-Dependent Relationships

In Dependent-Dependent Relationships, both partners rely heavily on the other in similar ways, looking to each other to determine how they think and feel about experiences. Both partners can be heard saying:

• “We need each other.”

• “We can’t live without each other.”

• “We tell each other what to do.”

• “Without each other, we’d both be lost.”

• “We are responsible for each other.”

• “We do everything together.”

• “We have a hard time doing things apart.

In these relationships, both partners struggle to move forward in life without input from the other partner. They rely on each for everything, especially with their emotions and their decisions. Partners in these highly dependent relationships have significant difficulty when not physically present with their partner.

Provider-Dependent Relationships

Other codependent relationships take on various roles, with one partner acting as the Provider and the other acting as the Dependent. Their assertiveness often impacts the power dynamics in the relationship. Here are two different relationship dynamics, and what each partner might say:

In these relationships, the power dynamic shifts to the more assertive partner, but neither partner displays healthy boundaries nor healthy levels of responsibility.

Regardless of the type of codependency involved, codependent relationships say: “We complete each other.”

Healthy Relationships

In healthy relationships, each partner carries their own emotional backpack, taking responsibility for themselves and letting the other partner maintain responsibility of their emotions and actions. They acknowledge when their actions impact others and actively work toward healing, while also maintaining boundaries around burdens that aren’t theirs. 

Even in healthy relationships, partners may have different levels of assertiveness. The more assertive partner can learn to step back, while the less assertive partner works on speaking up for themselves and making decisions confidently. Both encourage each other's growth and understanding, giving grace and truth when necessary.

Partners in a healthy relationship say:

• “We could live without each other, but we don’t want to.”

• “I’d be fine on my own, but I’m so glad we have each other.”

• “We both make decisions. Sometimes it’s what I want, and sometimes it’s what they want.”

• “We have both made mistakes.”

• “I want both of us to be happy.”

Partners in healthy relationships maintain appropriate levels of both autonomy and dependency. Both partners are responsible for their emotions and actions, while choosing to submit to the needs and wants of their partner in ways that don’t sacrifice personal autonomy. Note that submission here is a choice, not a demand. In these relationships, both partners encourage and support each other. While they may come to rely on each other over time, they are able to maintain healthy boundaries around emotions and decisions.

Healthy relationships say: “We compliment each other.” 

Steps Toward a Healthier Relationship

If you find yourself struggling in a codependent dynamic, try the following methods for improving the relationship:

• Communicate to your partner what you want.

• Provide space for both partners to have a voice and a say in decisions.

• Speak up about your needs and desires.

• Confront conflict, instead of avoiding it.

• Take responsibility for your own emotional health, while encouraging your partner to care for their emotional health.

• Read a book together, such as “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson.

• Read “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend, if you struggle with boundaries.

And, if necessary, seek therapeutic help. This is a great tool for helping individuals and couples to work through underlying issues that surface in relationships. In doing the work, you’ll find that increased self-awareness and internal healing lead to healthier ways of relating to others.

Building healthy relationships takes time, but each step toward mutual respect, personal responsibility, and shared understanding builds a relationship that is fulfilling for both partners.