Anger: The Scary Mask

“I don’t need help! How dare you!” She stomped away. I stood frozen, my mind racing. What had I done? What had I said? All I did was offer to help with the food for the event.

Anger protects the angry and harms the bystander. It is a scary mask, pushing people away to hide the emotions underneath that we don’t want to deal with–usually deeper emotions of hurt, fear, shame or disappointment. 

Hurt, Fear and Shame

People who react with anger due to hurt, fear or shame learned early in life that to show any of these deeper emotions only leads to more hurt. In some families, deeper emotions were viewed as signs of weakness and anger was the more accepted emotion. Expressing hurt, fear or shame may have been dangerous, inviting ridicule or criticism. Many people learn to use anger as a defense mechanism against additional pain. It’s the very reason we say “hurt people, hurt people”–or perhaps more accurately: “Hurt people who haven’t healed, hurt people.”

Also, we often respond with anger to situations that resemble past hurts. For example, a person repeatedly criticized as “dumb” as a child may react intensely to even a slight suggestion of incompetence as an adult. Consider my friend’s response in the opening story: I later discovered she had been harshly criticized for her cooking in the past. When I offered to help, it felt like another attack on her abilities. 

The bigger the reaction to a hurt (especially if the reaction is out of proportion), the more likely it resembles a past hurt that needs some healing. Pay attention–your reactions are trying to tell you something.

Disappointment

More often than not, anger is a mask for disappointment–and unfortunately, disappointment is everywhere. Perhaps someone spilled their coffee, forgot to use a discount code when making a purchase, their computer crashed suddenly, their finances are not as strong as they hoped, their child didn’t do well on a test, someone cut them off on the road, someone cut them off in conversation, or they got caught speeding. If you look closely at circumstances when someone is angry, you’ll often find disappointment just beneath the surface.

When we don’t learn how to handle disappointment, anger takes over. We project it onto others, hoping to gain a sense of control when life feels uncontrollable. We use anger to get what we want when we can’t get it through other means.

Necessary Anger

At times, anger is the necessary and appropriate response. Anger can be protective when a life is threatened, or an emotion that leads to action. For instance, it can cause someone to speak up in appropriate defense, to remove themselves from a dangerous situation, or to make changes in their life so they don't arrive in the same harmful sitaution again. Bigger offenses require bigger anger (if someone threatens my child's life, mama bear should come out), smaller offenses require smaller anger (if someone criticizes me unfairly, I should speak against the criticism). It's important to match the level of anger to the severity of the situation.

However, for some, anger is always the response and bigger than the situation warrants, which is a sign it is being used inappropriately. Over time, anger can become a powerful and destructive habit. If we don’t address our hurt, fear, shame and disappointment, these emotions simmer beneath the surface until anger boils over–hurting the people closest to us. 

Instead, we can acknowledge that hurt, fear, shame and disappointment are normal parts of life and learn coping skills to manage our anger when it arises. 

Tips for managing anger (in the moment):

Recognize, Release, Refocus

Anger tends to circle in our minds, replaying and intensifying. This gives it space to fester and grow. By addressing it, we allow it to float away like a log down the river, freeing our minds for clarity and peace.

The next time anger arises:

1. Recognize the deeper emotion(s) 

“I’m disappointed and hurt because that person wasn’t paying attention and they bumped into me and I dropped my phone.”

2. Release the event 

“The moment has passed. I can’t do anything about it now, I can only choose how I move forward.”

3. Refocus on something positive

“I’m excited to see my son play in his soccer game tonight”

Everyone gets hurt. Everyone experiences fear and shame. Disappointment arrives with daily unmet expectations. Look for common triggers of anger (usually related to past hurts) and consider processing these with a therapist or a safe person. Recognize, Release and Refocus your thoughts when anger surfaces.

Over time, as you heal old wounds and build new habits, anger shows up less frequently and with less power. Your shoulders lighten, your relationships improve, and life feels more manageable. 

(Above image created using Copilot AI)